A few weeks ago, I spotted a kiosk in Selfridges that allows you to get a customisable Nutella jar, you know if you're the kind of person that needs to remember your name, or to remind people who's Nutella this is, or more likely to get someone as a gift, because everyone would love to have their name, or really any non-standard branding whatsoever, on a jar of their favourite hazelnut paste.
I'd heard there was a lady in Australia that had had difficulties with getting her daughter's name, Isis, on her jar, out of fear it might be taken to espouse support for the noted Jihadist group. I didn't have any such pretensions, but I did like the idea of trying to get maybe some silly words for poo on them. And so I decamped to Selfridges to have a go. To my immense surprise, I was successful, these four times.
Backdirt is a very ugly Irish slang term and my favourite go-to word for the solid toilet. If you are taking notes, its opposite number is the frontwet.
Arsemuck was a tougher one as the word "arse" was spotted by one of the chaps at the desk. I should add that their set-up was fairly meticulous; often as many as four people working there at any one time — two at the front taking orders manning the tills, another at the back printing the labels, and usually a duty manager skulking around. This time there were two there, and having gotten past the first guy - who checks what you input on their little labelmaker thing - the guy who printed the label called my bluff, and actually ripped up the label in front of me. The following exchange took place;
Guy: Sorry you can not have this one.
Me: Excuse me?
Guy: This one.
Me: [Stares quizzically]
Guy: Is a rude one. Sorry.
Me: Oh, right no, wait! Sorry, do you mean because of Arse?
Guy: (Nods sheepishly).
Me: No, ha, arsemuck is an Irish name.
Guy: (embarrassed) ohhhhhhh.
Guy: I'm sorry sir. (Laughs, wraps package and hands it to me)
Me: Haha, don't be sorry. Oh, that's funny. I can't wait to tell him this.
Me: It's the Irish for Arsenio
Guy: Right, right. I know it.
Me: Ha, do you get a lot of rude ones?
Guy: All the time, sir.
Me: What's the rudest one you've had?
(Guy thinks for literally 15 seconds)
Guy: Probably fatpussy sir.
Me: You can't be too careful. Bye!
I lived to fight another day, and so soon afterward I got this one.
This was, I think, the simplest yet, and decidedly the most popular. To my extreme surprise it was picked up by dozens of websites, all of whom were stunned by my genius for implying how much Nutella looks like poo. In fact, nut-crazy newshounds from Mashable, The Mirror, HuffPo, Daily Mail, LadBible, Daily Edge and many more all looked at the day's worldly events and decided I needed my moment to shine too. I was even live on TodayFM too.
Thereafter it became slightly more difficult to get them in, as they changed their staffing arrangement so there was almost always 2 people at the kiosk, and always one whose English proved, for me, impractically good. They also implemented a feature whereby their label inoutting system detects naughty words so you're forced to misspell them to get rude ones through. After all my press attention, they even followed me around the shop a couple of times I walked in, and on one occasion closed the kiosk to walk after me holding walkie talkies like cartoon spies.
But after two weeks, they finally dropped their guard and I got this one.
Not for the first time, my enemy's belief that I'd have better things to do has been their undoing.
After all the furore, I was even specifically referenced by a Ferrero spokesperson who said "The aim of the campaign is to give fans of Nutella the chance to personalise their favourite hazelnut spread in a fun and joyful way. It is disappointing that the campaign has been used in this way".
After all is said and done, reading this statement for the first time was one of the proudest moments of my life to date.
UPDATE: They only went and made them half price, so these happened.